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:Stuart-james.'s avatar

Brilliant!

This goes a good way to my direct experience, as a boy of ten years old I counted 43 warts on my left hand.

An observant adult offered me an half crown ( pounds, shillings and pence) to buy them from me, that was a huge deal to a boy of ten. A big silver coin of about two inches in diameter and several weeks pocket money.

No hesitation and so took his money, I was so excited about the coin.

The next day all the warts… gone!

Factscinator's avatar

🤣🎭 PEER REVIEW PANEL: HPV EDITION — WARTS ‘N ALL™ 🎭🤣

(A completely fictional satire. Any resemblance to the avoidance of the scientific method is… entirely intentional 😌🦶)

🧑‍⚖️ CHAIRPERSON:

Alright everyone, welcome. Today’s paper: “Definitive Isolation of Human papillomavirus from Warts (Probably)”

Let’s proceed…

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

Thank you. As you can see from Figure 7, we have successfully isolated HPV from plantar warts

🧑‍⚖️ CHAIRPERSON:

Excellent. How did you isolate it?

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

We combined wart scrapings, antibiotics, antifungals, nutrient-deprived media, and cultured cells 🧫💥

🧑‍⚖️ REVIEWER A:

So… you didn’t isolate it

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

No no—modern isolation means assembling a community experience

🧑‍⚖️ REVIEWER B:

Ah yes, like isolating a potato by turning it into stew 🥔🍲

🧑‍⚖️ CHAIRPERSON:

Proceed

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

After stressing the cells until they deteriorated, we observed a cytopathic effect and attributed it to HPV

🧑‍⚖️ REVIEWER A:

Did you run controls?

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

We ran… circular reasoning as our primary control

🧧‍♂️ ETHICS OBSERVER:

No controls

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

Controls risk clarity

🧑‍⚖️ CHAIRPERSON:

And the imaging

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

Here are our electron micrographs 📸

You’ll notice several compelling… shapes

🧑‍⚖️ REVIEWER B:

I see cellular debris

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

Look again—we added arrows 🔺➡️🔻

🧑‍⚖️ REVIEWER A:

You’ve annotated grey blobs

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

Exactly. Viral fragments… premium grade, arrow-certified 🔺

🧑‍⚖️ CHAIRPERSON:

Very compelling

🧑‍⚖️ REVIEWER B:

Did you purify anything?

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

We purified the narrative

🧑‍⚖️ REVIEWER A:

And causation?

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

Wart present ➡️ HPV mentioned ➡️ causation implied

🧑‍⚖️ REVIEWER B:

Correlation, then

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

Correlation… with an eye on funding and a hand on the grant form 💰

🧑‍⚖️ CHAIRPERSON:

What about the fact that warts often disappear on their own

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

Immune system

🧑‍⚖️ REVIEWER A:

And when they come back

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

Persistent infection

🧑‍⚖️ REVIEWER B:

And when they vanish after a folk remedy… or, say… a grandmother’s hands 👵✨

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

We classify that under… “do not engage”

🧑‍⚖️ CHAIRPERSON:

Wise. Very wise

🧧‍♂️ BIOSECURITY LIAISON:

Before we proceed—does this support a broader framework

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

Absolutely. Because too much depends on warts being ‘viral’—

a diagnostic category 📋

a Quackccine programme 💉

a Harmaceutical pipeline 💰

and an entire infrastructure of dermatological intervention 🏥

—all balanced delicately… on a bump on the foot 🦶

🧑‍⚖️ CHAIRPERSON:

Ah… the full ecosystem

🧑‍⚖️ REVIEWER A:

So if the premise wobbles… the whole thing wobbles

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

Which is why it doesn’t wobble… officially 😌

🧑‍⚖️ REVIEWER B:

Wise. Very wise

🧑‍⚖️ CHAIRPERSON:

Any final evidence

🧑‍🔬 VIROLIEGIST:

Yes—these papers on the isolation of other ‘viruses’

As you can see, they cite each other extensively

And the small print confirms… everyone reviewed everyone

🧑‍⚖️ REVIEWER A:

So, to wrap up… no isolation, no controls, no direct causation

🧑‍⚖️ CHAIRPERSON:

But a master class in begging the question

🧑‍⚖️ REVIEWER B:

And very clear arrows 🔺

🧑‍⚖️ CHAIRPERSON:

Motion to approve

🧑‍🔬 ALL:

APPROVED ✅👏👏👏

🧑‍⚖️ CHAIRPERSON:

Another ‘viral’ condition explained—warts and all—

not by certainty but by consensus, confidence

and exceptionally well-placed arrows 😌🔺🦠

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