Gender-Related Distress

On the book “When Kids Say They’re Trans”

I’m reading When Kids Say They’re Trans by Ayad, Marchiano and O’Malley at the moment, and can definitely recommend it for parents/family of children and teens experiencing gender confusion and distress.

It is an excellent resource.

The book has 6 Appendices full of very valuable information that I’m going to synthesize into a Q&A session.

The authors say…

“We believe that gender dysphoria is the result of a complex interplay of biological, psychological and social factors, and its causes, manifestations and effects vary considerably from one sufferer to the next.”

I agree, especially about the “social factors”.

There is top-down pressure on our children, aided by the new means of messaging distribution, that is confusing them, often with intent (think schools and Drag Queens) that is causing what the authors have described as Gender-Related Distress.

I like that framing.

Most children grow out of it, about 80%, and most of the rest turn out to be same sex attracted. The challenge and threat to parents and their children is that the State and Industry have combined to create medical and legal frameworks that seek to override the will of parents with medical interventions that mutilate the child and change them biologically.

What is happening has Empire’s fingerprints all over it. It is Industrial in scale and strength.

It is predatory.

To fight this, parents need to be armed with the language and concepts that their children have been exposed to, possibly for quite some time before the parents first realize what the hell is going on. Parents rightly feel behind the eight ball when their kids start talking about “their true essence.”

This is the fourth stack of mine on the subject, and I suspect there will be more.

Theory no.8

FREE eBook: What is a woman? - “We don’t know yet.”

ROGD

Here are the Questions and Answers, with thanks to Ayad, Marchiano and O’Malley.

Plus a personal story from Lisa Selin Davis, author of Tomboy.

Buy and share the book with anyone caught up in this contagion.

When Kids Say They’re Trans: A Guide for Parents (thriftbooks.com)

1. What is the basic definition of gender as discussed in the book?

Gender, as outlined in the book, has evolved from being used interchangeably with "sex" to denote biological differences between males and females, to referring to a person's social or cultural status as masculine, feminine, or something else entirely. This contemporary understanding of gender emphasizes its role as a social construct, differentiating it from the biological concept of sex. Gender now encompasses the vast array of behaviors, expressions, and identities that societies and individuals recognize beyond simple male and female categories.

2. How has the usage of the term "gender" evolved over time?

The usage of the term "gender" has significantly evolved from its original conflation with "sex," which strictly referred to biological differences, to its current role denoting the social and cultural distinctions associated with being masculine, feminine, or other gender identities. This shift reflects a broader view of gender as a spectrum of identities and expressions, rather than a binary concept tied directly to physical sex characteristics.

3. Can you explain queer theory and its origins?

Queer theory, as discussed in the book, is rooted in sociology and literary criticism and is explicitly postmodern in its rejection of objective reality, celebrating fluidity and incoherence instead. Originating in the late 1980s and early 1990s from gay and lesbian studies, women’s studies, and the works of theorists like Judith Butler, Gayle Rubin, Sandy Stone, and Susan Stryker, queer theory views society through the lens of power and privilege, advocating for the subversion of traditional norms, including those related to gender. It presents gender identity as a flexible, free-floating concept, challenging conventional understandings of gender as fixed and biologically determined.

4. How does queer theory view society and gender roles?

Queer theory views society as a system structured by power and privilege, where gender roles are constructed to maintain certain norms and hierarchies. It challenges these traditional gender roles by promoting the idea that gender is not a binary but a broad spectrum of identities, encouraging the subversion of norms as a means of liberation. This perspective posits that societal norms around gender are oppressive constructs that need to be dismantled, advocating for a fluid and inclusive understanding of gender that allows for individual self-expression beyond conventional male and female categories.

5. What impact does queer theory have on young people's perceptions of gender identity?

According to the book, queer theory significantly influences young people's perceptions of gender identity, providing a framework that celebrates fluidity and challenges traditional norms. This theory resonates particularly with young individuals who are quirky, intelligent, and socially awkward, as it offers a space where everything is questionable, and nothing is fixed. The appeal lies in the theory's ability to contest universally accepted truths and linear life experiences, encouraging young people to explore gender identity in a more open and less constrained manner. This intellectual and playful engagement with gender identity can be both liberating and destabilizing for youth seeking to understand their place within a complex spectrum of gender expressions.

6. How is gender identity theory distinct from queer theory?

Gender identity theory differs from queer theory in its focus and underlying beliefs. While queer theory is rooted in the idea that gender is a social construct and emphasizes fluidity and the subversion of norms, gender identity theory posits that each individual has an innate gender identity. This theory, developed by clinicians John Money and Robert Stoller in the mid-20th century, suggests that gender identity is subjective, deeply personal, and may not align with an individual's biological sex. Unlike queer theory, which challenges the concept of fixed identities, gender identity theory supports the notion that people have a core sense of gender that is independent of social influences and can change over time.

7. What are the historical origins of gender identity theory?

The historical origins of gender identity theory are traced back to the work of two clinicians, John Money and Robert Stoller, in the 1950s and 1960s. John Money's influential but controversial work, particularly his treatment of Bruce/David Reimer, played a pivotal role in developing the concept that gender identity could be shaped through socialization and medical intervention. This theory suggested that gender identity was malleable and could be altered in accordance with the upbringing and social context, a notion that has been both influential and contentious within the field of gender studies.

8. How does the book critique the scientific evidence (or lack thereof) for an innate gender identity?

The book critiques the lack of robust scientific evidence supporting the concept of an innate gender identity. It highlights that, despite claims of a biological basis for gender-related distress, such as the theory that a female fetus could be exposed to excessive testosterone, there's no conclusive evidence to substantiate these claims. The critique extends to the use of developmental disorders of sex (DSDs, also known as intersex conditions) by some to argue for a biological component to gender identity, noting that the existence of DSDs does not invalidate the binary nature of sex. This skepticism is rooted in the broader discussion about the challenges of scientifically validating subjective experiences of gender identity, underscoring the complexity of distinguishing between biological, psychological, and social influences on gender.

9. How do social and cultural movements like identity politics and social justice activism influence young people's views on gender?

Social and cultural movements, particularly identity politics and social justice activism, have a profound influence on young people's views on gender, as outlined in the book. These movements, which gained traction in the late 20th century, encourage the examination of individual identities within the context of power dynamics and oppression. The concept of intersectionality, a key component of these movements, allows young people to understand their identities in a nuanced way, acknowledging the complexity of their experiences based on various social categories. This framework has led many young individuals to question traditional narratives around gender and sexuality, embracing more fluid and inclusive understandings of identity that challenge heteronormative and cisgender norms.

10. What role does "diagnosis creep" play in the context of gender-related distress?

"Diagnosis creep" refers to the expansion of diagnostic categories to include a broader range of symptoms and behaviors, a phenomenon that has significant implications for gender-related distress. According to the book, this tendency can lead to an increase in young people identifying with certain mental health diagnoses, including gender dysphoria, as they seek to understand their experiences and feelings. The book suggests that diagnosis creep, fueled by a consumer-driven healthcare system and the proliferation of information on the internet, has contributed to a rise in the number of young people who see their gender-related concerns within a medicalized framework. This can both validate their experiences and potentially encourage a rush towards medical interventions as solutions for complex issues of identity and distress.

Parenting gender-nonconforming children in the age of trans kids

Lisa Selin Davis, author of Tomboy: The Surprising History and Future of Girls Who Dare to Be Different

My daughter was three when she first asked to wear a tie and a button-down shirt. This was not her father's daily uniform - he went to work in frayed jeans and a T-shirt - nor mine. But somewhere she'd gotten the idea that this was how she wanted to dress, and we consented. My mother gave her a dapper hat. My stepmother gave her my little brother's old blazer. She emerged as the nattiest dresser in preschool, one who mostly played with boys.

Then she asked for the same kind of short haircut that her male preschool friend had. To be honest, we were, by this point, a little confused, and even a little bit worried. Though I had been reared in the 1970s and 80s on the gender stereotype-busting record Free to Be You and Me, and myself wore

short hair and unisex clothes as a kid in the golden era of the tomboy, there seemed to be no other girls like my daughter anywhere around us. I didn't understand what was happening, or why she was so different, or what we were supposed to do.

Neither, I realised after many years of research into the science, psychology and history of gender-nonconformity, did anyone else. This was before the debut of Jazz Jennings, before the cultural battles over what to teach kids about gender in schools, or whether and how to medicate gender dysphoria, before children were asked to name their pronouns in school - or before schools hid pronoun changes from parents. Our doctor was fascinated, always asking our daughter if she felt like a girl or a boy. The parent coordinator at school asked if she wanted to change in the boys' locker room. She was seven years old by then.

I did not know then that they were asking if my daughter wanted to socially transition; that wasn't part of my vocabulary yet, not part of the cultural lexicon. Their offers struck my husband and I as kind, but also as strange. Why were they assuming that a short-haired kid who played baseball and wore sweatpants wanted to disavow her sex? We had several butch lesbians in our family. My daughter had models of female masculinity. She wasn't unhappy or uncomfortable. But it was incredibly difficult to navigate a world that seemed to have absolutely no understanding of a girl who was more like a typical boy. No one had advice.

A decade has passed since then, and in that time so much has changed - including the word transgender, which has expanded to include young kids with no gender dysphoria but who don't hew to the gender norms and stereotypes associated with their sex. Sometimes parents of these kids write to me. They tell me their daughter wants short hair and trucks and to wear boys' clothes, or their son likes dresses and dolls and nail polish. They want to know what is happening, or why their kid is so different, or what they should do.

So here's what I tell them - and what I wish people had told me ten years ago.

First, we have to insulate them against the messages that their sex will or should determine their interests. They will learn early and often by cultural osmosis that pink - and kindness, sensitivity, dolls - is for girls and blue - and sports, exuberance, anger - is for boys. We have to remind them they need not limit themselves in what they explore or cotton on to because of what kind of body they have. Clothes, toys, colours and nail polish have no sex. We don't have to reinforce and play by our society's rules about what's for boys and what's for girls.

We also have to accept and facilitate our kids' nonconformity, allowing them to present as they please, and not shame them for their natural

proclivities - while keeping them rooted in the reality of biological sex. It takes about eight years for kids to understand gender constancy, that their body is what makes them a boy or a girl, not what they like to wear or do or play with. Before that, they don't always understand the difference between sex and sex stereotypes. If we keep talking about those differences, that will normalise their non-adherence to stereotypes. We can also make sure they have models of gender-nonconformity, of feminine boys and masculine girls, even though you might have to watch old Jodie Foster movies to locate them.

The other thing we have to do is fortify our children to navigate a world that doesn't understand them. Though many feel the current gender revolution makes room for gender-nonconforming kids, I’d argue it actually pathologises them. Telling a stereotypically boyish girl that she can be or is a boy doesn't allow an ambiguous space for her to occupy. Telling a feminine boy that his mannerisms and tendencies make him a girl, or affirming his fantasy that he is one, tells him he's doing boy wrong, that there's no room for him in the category he naturally, biologically belongs to. I think this not only creates more shame, but can lead to very serious medical interventions.

Other than that, I don't think there's anything we have to do when our kids present as gender-nonconforming. Many parents want to know what their child's gender-nonconformity signifies, if they have a child who is trans, or a child who will be gay later. They’re eager to slap a label on. I get it. I was very confused when my child acted so differently to all the other girls we knew, and so were all the professionals around us. But there is no way to forecast the future from a child's gender atypicality. Gender-nonconformity in children is not predictive of any one outcome.

When we practice being comfortable with ambiguity, when we don't immediately make meaning out of their gender, we leave room for exploration, for growing understanding, for shifts and changes, for a child to become a person. And then we can absorb the miracle of children like this: children so secure in themselves that they march against the grain, no matter how it unsettles the adults around them. All they needed to say was, 'Congratulations on having a kid who is immune to stereotypes! Let's check in down the line and see what happens.'

There's research showing that the more a child rejects strict gender roles, the better they do academically and in other areas of life. Many women who were serious tomboys got better jobs later, because their comfort with men and masculinity allowed them to pursue male-dominated fields. Gender-nonconformity is a gift. If your child is this way, you don't need to fix them. Let's try to make room for them, and in the meantime, let's make them resilient with our love and understanding. They are perfect just as they are.

11. How is gender dysphoria defined and diagnosed in both children and adults?

Gender dysphoria is defined in the book as a condition marked by a significant incongruence between an individual's experienced or expressed gender and the gender they were assigned at birth, leading to distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. For children, the diagnosis requires a marked incongruence lasting at least six months, as manifested by a strong desire to be of another gender or an insistence that one is another gender, among other criteria. For adolescents and adults, the criteria include a marked incongruence between one's experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics, a strong desire to be rid of one's primary and/or secondary sex characteristics because of a marked incongruence with one's experienced/expressed gender, among other conditions. These diagnostic criteria, drawn from the DSM-5, reflect an understanding of gender dysphoria that encompasses a range of gender experiences and identities.

12. What are the various approaches to treatment for gender dysphoria outlined in the book, and how do they differ?

The book outlines several approaches to treating gender dysphoria, each with distinct philosophies and methodologies. Psychotherapy involves more traditional talk therapy to explore the psychological aspects of gender dysphoria, aiming to increase self-awareness and coping strategies without immediately resorting to medical interventions. The exploratory therapy approach is similar to psychotherapy but specifically focuses on exploring gender identity issues in depth, without an a priori commitment to any particular outcome. The watchful waiting approach involves monitoring the development of gender dysphoria over time, particularly in children, to see if the distress persists, lessens, or resolves as the child grows. Each of these approaches offers a different pathway for individuals navigating gender dysphoria.

13. How does the book describe the developmental stages of children and adolescents in relation to gender identity?

The book describes the developmental stages of children and adolescents in relation to gender identity by referencing Erik Erikson's stages of development, which suggest that each stage of life is associated with a specific existential question. In early childhood, the focus is on play, exploration, and initiative, with children often engaging in make-believe play that does not strictly adhere to reality or gender norms. Adolescence is characterized by a search for identity, where young people begin to question societal norms and values, including those related to gender. This period of development is marked by a heightened focus on peer relationships, exploration of self, and challenges to authority, all of which can influence a young person's understanding and expression of their gender identity. The book highlights the complexity of these developmental stages and the various factors that can impact a young person's experience of gender.

14. What common coexisting conditions are noted to often accompany gender dysphoria?

The book notes several common coexisting conditions that often accompany gender dysphoria, including Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Obsessive–Compulsive Disorder (OCD), disordered eating, Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), and giftedness. Each of these conditions can influence how an individual experiences and expresses their gender identity. For example, individuals with ASD may have a more literal understanding of gender, those with ADHD may exhibit impulsive behavior related to their gender identity, and individuals with OCD may fixate on aspects of their gender expression. Disordered eating and BDD both involve distress related to one's body image, which can intersect with gender dysphoria in complex ways. Gifted individuals may be drawn to the intellectual aspects of gender theory and identity exploration. These coexisting conditions underscore the need for a nuanced understanding of each individual's experience of gender dysphoria.

15. How does the book describe the impact of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) on gender-related distress?

The book describes the impact of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) on gender-related distress by highlighting how individuals with ASD may experience and express their gender differently due to the condition's characteristics. ASD can affect social communication and interaction, leading some individuals to struggle with understanding social norms around gender. The literal interpretation of language and intense focus or fixation common in ASD can also influence how individuals with ASD conceive of their own gender identity, potentially leading to a more rigid or fixed understanding of gender roles. The book suggests that the unique cognitive and social aspects of ASD require careful consideration when addressing gender-related distress, as standard approaches may not be fully effective or appropriate for individuals with ASD.

16. Can you detail the relationship between ADHD and the desire for gender transition as explained in the book?

The book details the relationship between Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and the desire for gender transition by emphasizing how the characteristics of ADHD, such as impulsivity and difficulty with executive functioning, can influence an individual's approach to their gender identity and the desire for transition. Individuals with ADHD may experience intense fixations or a strong, immediate desire to transition, driven by the condition's hallmark features of impulsivity and a search for immediate gratification. The book suggests that these traits can lead to a fervent pursuit of transition as a solution to distress without fully considering the long-term implications or exploring alternative ways of addressing gender-related concerns. This underscores the importance of a careful and nuanced approach to working with individuals with ADHD who are exploring their gender identity, taking into account the potential for impulsive decision-making and the need for comprehensive support and counseling.

17. How does the book discuss the interaction between eating disorders and gender dysphoria?

The book discusses the interaction between eating disorders and gender dysphoria by highlighting the commonalities in how individuals with these conditions may experience dissatisfaction and distress related to their bodies. Both conditions involve a desire to alter one's body, whether through diet, exercise, or medical intervention, driven by a deep-seated unease with one's physical appearance or gender presentation. The book suggests that for some individuals, gender dysphoria and eating disorders may coexist or intersect, with disordered eating behaviors serving as a means of coping with or expressing distress related to gender identity. This complex interaction underscores the need for integrated care approaches that address both the gender-related concerns and the eating disorder, recognizing how these issues can influence and exacerbate each other.

18. What is body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), and how might it relate to gender dysphoria?

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) is described in the book as a condition where individuals obsess over perceived flaws in their appearance, which are often unnoticeable to others. This disorder involves a preoccupation with one's body image that can lead to significant distress and impairment. The book explores how BDD might relate to gender dysphoria, noting that both conditions involve a focus on the body and a desire for it to be different. However, while gender dysphoria specifically relates to distress arising from a mismatch between one's experienced gender and assigned sex, BDD focuses more broadly on perceived physical imperfections. The book suggests that individuals with BDD may fixate on aspects of their appearance that are related to gender, such as facial features or body shape, and this fixation can intersect with gender dysphoria in complex ways, requiring careful differentiation and treatment planning.

19. How does giftedness influence young people's engagement with gender identity concepts?

Giftedness influences young people's engagement with gender identity concepts by providing them with the cognitive ability to explore complex ideas and challenge conventional thinking, according to the book. Gifted individuals often possess a heightened capacity for abstract thought, critical analysis, and empathy, which can lead them to deeply engage with and question societal norms around gender. The intellectual curiosity and openness to new ideas typical of gifted youth make them more receptive to exploring diverse perspectives on gender identity and expression. However, this same intellectual engagement can also lead to a sense of isolation or misunderstanding among peers, driving a search for identity and belonging that intersects with their exploration of gender. The book highlights the unique ways in which giftedness can shape a young person's understanding of gender, emphasizing the need for supportive environments that nurture their intellectual and emotional development.

20. What recommendations does the book offer for parents and caregivers of young people navigating gender-related distress?

The book offers several recommendations for parents and caregivers of young people navigating gender-related distress, emphasizing the importance of open communication, education, and support. Parents are encouraged to learn about the complexities of gender identity and expression, including the influences of societal norms, queer theory, and the spectrum of gender experiences. Engaging in open and nonjudgmental conversations with their children about gender identity and expression can foster a supportive environment that validates the young person's experiences. Additionally, the book suggests that parents seek out resources and professional guidance to better understand the nuances of gender dysphoria and related conditions, such as ASD, ADHD, and BDD. By adopting an informed and empathetic approach, parents and caregivers can provide the understanding and support necessary to navigate the challenges of gender-related distress.

Thank You for Being Part of Our Community

Your presence here is greatly valued. If you've found the content interesting and useful, please consider supporting it through a paid subscription. While all our resources are freely available, your subscription plays a vital role. It helps in covering some of the operational costs and supports the continuation of this independent research and journalism work. Please make full use of our Free Libraries.

Discover Our Free Libraries:

Unbekoming Interview Library: Dive into a world of thought-provoking interviews across a spectrum of fascinating topics.

Unbekoming Book Summary Library: Explore concise summaries of groundbreaking books, distilled for efficient understanding.

Hear From Our Subscribers: Check out the [Subscriber Testimonials] to see the impact of this Substack on our readers.

Share Your Story or Nominate Someone to Interview:

I'm always in search of compelling narratives and insightful individuals to feature. Whether it's personal experiences with the vaccination or other medical interventions, or if you know someone whose story and expertise could enlighten our community, I'd love to hear from you. If you have a story to share, insights to offer, or wish to suggest an interviewee who can add significant value to our discussions, please don't hesitate to get in touch at unbekoming@outlook.com. Your contributions and suggestions are invaluable in enriching our understanding and conversation.

Resources for the Community:

For those affected by COVID vaccine injury, consider the FLCCC Post-Vaccine Treatment as a resource.

Discover 'Baseline Human Health': Watch and share this insightful 21-minute video to understand and appreciate the foundations of health without vaccination.

Books as Tools: Consider recommending 'Official Stories' by Liam Scheff to someone seeking understanding. Start with a “safe” chapter such as Electricity and Shakespeare and they might find their way to vaccination.

Your support, whether through subscriptions, sharing stories, or spreading knowledge, is what keeps this community thriving. Thank you for being an integral part of this journey.